


i desire the things that will destroy me in the end

by yellowpillowthief



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, the whole dying vampire thing was based off of the scenes in twilight ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-25
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 22:52:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2669378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowpillowthief/pseuds/yellowpillowthief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We begin and end as dust.<br/>Post episode 33</p>
            </blockquote>





	i desire the things that will destroy me in the end

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [the sound of a voice saying i told you so (yes, you did dear)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/84818) by possiblistfanfiction. 



You know you're going to get hurt, the minute Maman offers her two choices. She's manipulative and she's controlling. She knows how to twist her words to the point where you know nothing but how to bend and break. You've known that for a while now. You also know that your home is with Laura, and you'll choose her every time. So you accept Maman's offer, and she smirks, knowing that your whisper was not just an answer to her choices. It is also the surrender of someone who's had their heart broken too many times to know any better.

You're silent the whole time Laura goes on her spiel about being the heroes of this war. You try to interrupt her, but you don't push your way through. Instead, you let her talk over you, because you're pretty sure that if you talk, everything that happened will come spilling between your lips and you're not ready to have that conversation. Not yet. Maybe not ever. 

You know it's wrong for you to keep the truth hidden from her. But it's easier to face Laura when she's looking at you like you're Superman, than it is to face her when you resemble the monster in the closet to her.

You don't deserve her kiss. 

–

You walk into your dorm, and are greeted by a wooden stake. “Uh, what the hell?” you say, but you already know. Laura plays the video, and you're so stupid for forgetting to delete it. Before you get to explain, Laura's already speaking. You don't catch the first part, but her meaning is clear. “Go run and hide. We're done,” she says, and you feel like you're back in the woods with Elle and your mother, and her cold eyes are on you as she spits out, monster, and you leave before you break down.

You stumble out of the room, haunted by the look of betrayal in Laura's eyes. Stupid girl she could never have loved you stone cannot love flesh stone cannot love flesh STONE CANNOT LOVE FLESH Maman's words echo in your mind, an endless taunt of what could've been. “SHUT UP!” you scream. And you run.

After all, it is the only thing you're good at. 

–

Your legs give out after a while, and your chest is heaving from the breaths you don't need to take. Your mind plays everything again: your mother pushing you into a corner, always having control. Laura seeing you as the one thing she convinced you you were not: a monster. You curl up and you sob, about Laura, about Elle.

It's dark when you get up. You recognize the woods you're in, and you know it's not that far from the ocean where the sword is hidden. 

–

You're not sure how you end up standing on the edge of the beach. Why should you help Laura? What is it that prevents you from running and hiding?

You decide it's vampiric constitution.  
It's less painful that way.

–

It's not until you're halfway to the cavern do you realize that this will ultimately end in your destruction. There's a part of you that rejoices, a part of you that celebrates your inevitable end. You've waited centuries to be free, and you can't stop the feeling of relief that floods through you. And this way, Laura will have a shot at happiness, at a normal life. You won't burden her with your past, present, and future anymore.

There's another part of you that wants to cry and scream. Maybe you and Laura would've been happy. If only you gave it a shot. 

This part you ignore.

–

It would've been impossible to miss the sword. It glows, the only bright thing in the darkness of the ocean. You can't help but think of Laura. Both a light in the dark, both destroying you without knowing it. You pull it out, and marvel at the way it seems to have been made to fit into your hand. There's already faint burning sensation, and you know you don't have much time.

You run to the Dean's office, praying to a God you stopped believing a long time ago, that you'll last long enough to kill your mother. You don't dare ask for time to stop by your-no, Laura's dorm. Mother has her back turned to the door when you burst in. Her look of surprise quickly turns into one of pain when you drive the sword through her. “I'm so sorry,” you whisper, and you are. You're sorry that you had to be the one to end her, when she was the one that brought you back and loved you as her own. But you're not sorry that she's gone. She looks into your eyes long enough for you to see forgiveness, and then she crumbles into nothing but ashes and dust.

–

Your feet seem to be on autopilot, dragging you back home. You leave a trail of smoldering cinders behind, and mentally apologize to Perry. Laura's at the door before you reach it, and she's already crying. LaFontaine is behind her, held back by Perry. You hold up the sword and attempt to smile. “I got it,” you say, knees buckling. Laura grabs you as you collapse into her arms, and you hear her whisper, “You really are the hero of this piece,” before everything goes black. 

–

You open your eyes, and you're greeted by Laura's eyes looking into your own. Your head is in her lap, and she's laced one of her hands with yours and the other is stroking your bangs back and you decide that you've never been this happy to be alive. 

Later you learn that LaFontaine did some science thing and brought you back. You make a mental note to thank them later. And even though you don't feel as invincible as you were before(she'll be back to normal, just give it some time, is what they told Laura), you've never felt as whole.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a quote from "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath". All mistakes are mine.


End file.
